And then there’s the fact that I cannot stand anyone that ends up developing feelings for me. I never consider the possibility that their interest and high regards are real and sincere. They don’t know who I really am – what they love is an idea that they have of me. They don’t actually want me. I don’t want to be someone’s “girlfriend”. I don’t want to be chosen because I’m decent, and meet enough of the things on their checklist to do the job well. I’m not here to fulfill some role.

So where does that leave me?

Someday doesn’t mean what it used to. I spent so many years thinking about what I looked for in a guy, what kind of relationship I would have, and how it would all come together. I wanted so much to know who I would end up with, and how I would eventually meet him. I just loved the thought that one day, I would wake up and everything would just fall into place, and it would all finally make sense. It just gave my teenage heart a thrill to think that someday, someone would come along and that would be it.

I hate that I keep on stressing the fact that I’m 22 when that’s not even considered particularly old, but nevertheless, I am an adult, and I’m no where close to that famous happy end. Sure, it would have been expecting too much if I genuinely believed that I would meet the guy I would spend the rest of my life with by now. I am still very much a child, and marriage has never been a priority or a goal so believe me, I’m not disappointed that I am not with my soulmate already. I did think, however, that I would at least have developed feelings for an individual by now, and the fact that I’ve never liked anyone in the sense that I wanted to be with them puts me out a little. It makes me constantly wonder if there is something wrong with me. Shouldn’t I want to want to be with someone?

I cannot summon the energy to even care about someday anymore. As far as I’m concerned, it’s just not going happen for me. I’ve proven myself perfectly incapable of developing a lasting interest in another individual. Even if I were to meet “the one”, it wouldn’t matter when I seem to be emotionally stunted. Give me the most perfect man in the world and I would still be disappointed or completely bored. It just seems too clear to me that someday does not apply. I’m not going to have that love story. And as much as I panic about the repercussions, I know that there’s nothing I can do. You can’t make yourself want or need somebody.

I wish I were more patient and optimstic about my prospects, but I feel like I am done with it all. I don’t like anyone, and I don’t show any hint of being capable of ever liking anyone. What more, I cannot imagine any respectable guy ever falling for me. Just look at my track record. I would be delusional if I kept on entertaining the idea of someday. We must be realistic. I’m not one to wait, pine or yearn. I have a fulfilling life, and I am content with everything being exactly the way it is. Even if I weren’t, it does not change the fact that I don’t meet story-worthy men, and even if I did, they would never spare me a second glance. I am not left with any choice here. The simple matter is it is never going to happen. And I really don’t mind so much since I’ve come to accept this a while back. But it is quite disheartening knowing that we will never meet, that I will never know you and that I will never have that story. All that time spent wondering what kind of person you are, and what kind of relationship we would have would be all for nothing. It is a shame because there is nothing that I would like more than to know what the view from your passenger seat is like.

But it wasn’t meant to be.

I’m a new driver, so I know I’m going to be making a lot of mistakes, some of them probably extremely stupid. I’ve accepted that it’s a part of the learning process. It’s the instructor’s job to intervene when I’m in the middle of making a mistake, and to remedy it. It’s the instructor’s job to understand that I am a first time driver, and therefore he needs to be patient with me while he teaches. If we both do our jobs properly – my being a diligent, cooperative student, him being an understanding and kind teacher – there is no reason for things to not run smoothly and splendidly. What I need as a first time driver is an instructor that is very capable of taking care of the both of us, one that is calm and collected even during the most stressful incidents. The instructor I currently have is nothing like that. When I make a mistake, he either makes obnoxious sounds on the side, or he panics and explodes by hitting me or yelling. While the hitting doesn’t hurt at all, I don’t think he has a right to do that. Yes, I made a mistake, but instructors should understand that that’s a part of learning and be prepared for it. If I make a mistake, he should intervene, tell me how I could improve, and move on. I don’t see how his hitting me, no matter how light it is, can be justified. And like I said, what I need is an instructor that is patient and calm – that is the only way I can remain calm, and the only way I can get better.

As of right now, I’m just too stressed out of my mind and I don’t see how this can possibly end well. Oh how I hate this man.

I remember wanting a close male friend back in grade 9. Female friends are very well and lovely but I still wanted that one close guy friend who can give me the careless banter and a masculine perspective. My pursuit for such a friendship was relentless for quite some time. Then one day I realized that it wasn’t going to happen, that something about me and guy friends just don’t click. No matter what I thought or said, feelings always ended up being thrown in the mix. And once feelings come up, it’s pretty much the end. It used to make me feel so frustrated and bitter. After a few more times, it didn’t bother me anymore. In fact, it became expected. Sometimes I even sabatoged the friendship early so I could move onto the next one that much faster. And now I feel like even if I was given a real shot at having that close male friend, I would throw it away because I’m too accustomed to block and delete.

Maybe a few years ago I would’ve asked for his msn, or added him on facebook (if we had had facebook back then) Maybe it wouldn’t have taken me till the end of semester to have an actual conversation with him. And maybe a few years ago, I would’ve stayed intrigued and curious, and one talk with the guy would’ve sent me into a tailspin because I would’ve been hopeful that this was the guy that was going to be my close guy friend. But now? I know I won’t see any of them once we’ve taken our final exams, and I don’t care. We had a conversation, but it’s left me no lasting impression. I’m not intrigued, I’m not curious. I’m already looking to the next one.

You’re not what I want

1. Sir Emo

He named our children when we weren’t even together. He spoke of sharing my bed. He thought he was a scientific marvel every time he pointed out a spelling mistake on a sign. He whined and moaned and complained endlessly – I’m thinking 24/7 pms with supersized tampons and constant chunky flow. He acted as if he had been separated from his balls since birth, and he was in no hurry to get them reattached. He tried to do and say all the right things, but it always came off as an awkwardly insincere, disgusting display of corny and sap that made me want to projectile vomit/explosive diarrhea. Sure, he was considered a “nice guy”, but if nice means acting like a child who still needs to be breastfed by his mother, and having absolutely no spine or sense of self, then please give me an asshole.

What was I thinking? I’ve said it a hundred times, and I’ll say it again: I wasn’t myself. I had this lovely idea in my head, and instead of focusing on what I was feeling, I pursued that idea. It didn’t matter that I cringed when he spoke of forever. It didn’t matter that I was making all these ludicrous promises. It didn’t matter that things didn’t feel right, that my head kept on screaming for the panic button, that I got completely carried away. I went along with it because I fell for the idea. And how I wish I could take it back and have that erased from my records. No matter what, I’m always going to have to live with the fact that it almost happened, that I actually believed I liked a person like him. Ugh, gross, cringe, shudder, die.

The lesson? There’s a reason why you have instincts, initial reactions, feelings. They’re all there to tell you what is right and what is not right for you. And from the beginning, there were red flags – I just didn’t notice them/shrugged them off. I didn’t like him; I liked the idea of liking someone that liked me back. Pathetic? Maybe. But it happens to the best of us. Good thing I quickly caught on that not only was I not ready for a relationship, and I wouldn’t be in a long time, but that I will also never, EVER, be in a relationship with him. I could never like him, I could never want to be with him, I could never even try to tolerate his antics. Nope. Whatever I saw in him was clearly the fogging illusion of a girl who overthought, and in turn, became blind. She stopped noticing what really matterd, and she started compromising who she was to conform to that idea. Trust me, it won’t happen again.

2. Mister Hazelnut latte

Now that was a brain lapse. Seriously. I didn’t like him, I knew I didn’t like him. So why couldn’t I just politely say “no, but thank you” when he asked me out? Is it because he caught me so off guard? Is it because my brain had gone blank at that precise moment, and the only thing I could blurt out was “yes, maybe”? How deranged I must’ve looked when I told him a few days after that I really couldn’t do anything like that, but let’s be friends anyway. Again, I wish I could wipe this off my record. No matter what, I’m always going to have to live with the fact that I almost dated him, or at least, went on one date with him. Ugh, gross, cringe, shudder, die.

What was I thinking? Yes, he’s nice, and he’s successful, and he’s smart. But bloody hell he’s ten years my senior, appears to be having a receding hairline, and I used to call him Tim – the awkward loner-orphan who has a porn addiction and lives in a box. Screw all those “age doesn’t matter” comments. IT DOES MATTER. I don’t want to be with someone who can be my boyfriend and father at the same time. I don’t want to be with someone who was born in a different decade. I don’t want to be with someone who will make me feel like he’s a pervy pedophile. EW EW EW. He’s a grownup with all this experience. I’m a child. See why the idea is so repugnant? I wonder why my gag reflex didn’t work when he asked me out – it would’ve saved me all that grief. Common sense dictates that if a guy is not physically attractive to me, and the thought of being with him makes me feel like I just bathed in sewer water, it’s really not going to work.

The lesson? Interpret blankness to mean YOU DON’T LIKE HIM AND WILL NEVER LIKE HIM SO SAY NO THIS INSTANT. It doesn’t matter if he’s a really nice man. It doesn’t matter if you share the same likes/dislikes and can talk fairly easily. It doesn’t even matter that he knows how to dress himself and he was considered one of your favorite regulars for a time. If you’re feeling blank, just say no.

I think that’s one of my problems. I don’t know how to say no. My cognitive functions always collapse at that crucial moment, and my mouth will blurt out “okay”. Come 24 hours later, and my heart rate will be beating as fast as a rodent’s as I pace back and forth, frantically wondering what the hell did I let myself fall into. I swear I’m not masochistic. I’m just stupid. Don’t mistake it as me actually liking the guy and wanting to go out with him, or me being some kind of easy whore that would say yes to any offer. I do always end up saying no once my cerebral cortex has rebooted and my senses catch up to me. I just wish that process would happen a little faster.

If you want to be my friend

1. Put as much effort into this as I do.
2. Don’t take this for granted.
3. Be sincere or go home.
4. Never exclude.
5. Withhold judgments and assumptions.
6. Be here because you want to be. If you want to be, prove it by being present.
7. Loyalty and trust are key.
8. You don’t have to always agree with me – you just have to leave me be.
9. Laugh with me, not at me.
10. Accept me as I am.

I am not interested in carrying both our weights around. It’s either reciprocity or nothing. I refuse to feel unappreciated, excluded or forgotten. I don’t want to be told what people think I want to hear. I am not to be appeased out of feelings of guilt or obligation. I’m not an awful person – when in doubt, choose to believe that I’m better than that and let me explain. Even the smallest acts of betrayal and deceit will not be tolerated. We will have opposing views – let me have mine, and I will do likewise. Do not judge or criticize me for my shortcomings, I have enemies for that.

Let us laugh together often. Let us confide, share and trust. Love me well and I will gladly do the same. Love me poorly and I am gone. I know how to leave, and I don’t hesitate.

You have just finished watching television for the night. Reluctant to get out of your comfortable position on the couch, you turn your head and your eyes fall on him. Although it is late, he is still busy at work at his drawing desk in the middle of the room. A large, fresh, blank piece of paper lies before him, waiting for the artist to create magic. He’s in that gray tshirt that you love, and those pj bottoms you bought for him a long time ago, back in the days when you two just started dating. His hair is dishevelled, his face twisted in that endearing look of pure concentration. His hands begin to quickly move across that sheet, quickly drawing the image that has been born. The only lighting in the room is that old desk lamp, its glow softly falling on his features. And you just sit there, content, and watching him.

I would like to marry an architect

You’re not special. No one is special. Therefore I’m going to treat you as if you are on my level, because that’s exactly where you are: on my level.

No one has the right to ever make anyone feel like they’re not good enough. You pull that on me, and I can assure you, I will crush that ego of yours with the turn of my heel, and I will make it crystal clear that although you managed to play with my insecurity for that split second, I will play with your insignificance for years.

“You would not and could not stay – not for me, and not for us.”

“You don’t have the right to miss me.”

“And maybe I’m always going to be incapable of loving you in that unconditional, all-consuming fashion people are always singing and writing about. I’m sorry but my heart was never made for it. I can love you with all of my head though. I can give you at least that.”

It just goes to show that sometimes what you think you really want isn’t what you truly want in the end. And sometimes you really don’t have a clue, even though you’re good at persuading everyone, including yourself, that you do.