ArcticOwl

I don’t have a lot of confidence in the idea of my ever falling in love, being in a relationship, settling down and getting married. The older I get, the more I feel as though there is something essential missing from my DNA that makes it impossible for me to be the heroine of a love story. I’m not biologically built for it. How else could one explain the fact that I am 22 years old, and yet I have still never longed to be with anyone? Maybe it’s because I haven’t met the right one yet, but the more likelier answer is I am not capable of being with anyone. I’ve never liked anyone in that way. I lose interest that it’s hard to even think of the same guy as “cute” or “intriguing” for any period of time. I get bored even faster when I come to actually know these individuals on a personal level. As soon as I am able to get a reading on their character, I don’t care to know any more, and I leave. 

And then there’s the fact that I cannot stand anyone that ends up developing feelings for me. I never consider the possibility that their interest and high regards are real and sincere. They don’t know who I really am – what they love is an idea that they have of me. They don’t actually want me. I don’t want to be someone’s “girlfriend”. I don’t want to be chosen because I’m decent, and meet enough of the things on their checklist to do the job well. I’m not here to fulfill some role.

So where does that leave me?

Someday doesn’t mean what it used to. I spent so many years thinking about what I looked for in a guy, what kind of relationship I would have, and how it would all come together. I wanted so much to know who I would end up with, and how I would eventually meet him. I just loved the thought that one day, I would wake up and everything would just fall into place, and it would all finally make sense. It just gave my teenage heart a thrill to think that someday, someone would come along and that would be it.

I hate that I keep on stressing the fact that I’m 22 when that’s not even considered particularly old, but nevertheless, I am an adult, and I’m no where close to that famous happy end. Sure, it would have been expecting too much if I genuinely believed that I would meet the guy I would spend the rest of my life with by now. I am still very much a child, and marriage has never been a priority or a goal so believe me, I’m not disappointed that I am not with my soulmate already. I did think, however, that I would at least have developed feelings for an individual by now, and the fact that I’ve never liked anyone in the sense that I wanted to be with them puts me out a little. It makes me constantly wonder if there is something wrong with me. Shouldn’t I want to want to be with someone?

I cannot summon the energy to even care about someday anymore. As far as I’m concerned, it’s just not going happen for me. I’ve proven myself perfectly incapable of developing a lasting interest in another individual. Even if I were to meet “the one”, it wouldn’t matter when I seem to be emotionally stunted. Give me the most perfect man in the world and I would still be disappointed or completely bored. It just seems too clear to me that someday does not apply. I’m not going to have that love story. And as much as I panic about the repercussions, I know that there’s nothing I can do. You can’t make yourself want or need somebody.