ArcticOwl

WHat was I thinking?

1. Sir Emo

He named our children when we weren’t even together. He spoke of sharing my bed. He thought he was a scientific marvel every time he pointed out a spelling mistake on a sign. He whined and moaned and complained endlessly – I’m thinking 24/7 pms with supersized tampons and constant chunky flow. He acted as if he had been separated from his balls since birth, and he was in no hurry to get them reattached. He tried to do and say all the right things, but it always came off as an awkwardly insincere, disgusting display of corny and sap that made me want to projectile vomit/explosive diarrhea. Sure, he was considered a “nice guy”, but if nice means acting like a child who still needs to be breastfed by his mother, and having absolutely no spine or sense of self, then please give me an asshole.

What was I thinking? I’ve said it a hundred times, and I’ll say it again: I wasn’t myself. I had this lovely idea in my head, and instead of focusing on what I was feeling, I pursued that idea. It didn’t matter that I cringed when he spoke of forever. It didn’t matter that I was making all these ludicrous promises. It didn’t matter that things didn’t feel right, that my head kept on screaming for the panic button, that I got completely carried away. I went along with it because I fell for the idea. And how I wish I could take it back and have that erased from my records. No matter what, I’m always going to have to live with the fact that it almost happened, that I actually believed I liked a person like him. Ugh, gross, cringe, shudder, die.

The lesson? There’s a reason why you have instincts, initial reactions, feelings. They’re all there to tell you what is right and what is not right for you. And from the beginning, there were red flags – I just didn’t notice them/shrugged them off. I didn’t like him; I liked the idea of liking someone that liked me back. Pathetic? Maybe. But it happens to the best of us. Good thing I quickly caught on that not only was I not ready for a relationship, and I wouldn’t be in a long time, but that I will also never, EVER, be in a relationship with him. I could never like him, I could never want to be with him, I could never even try to tolerate his antics. Nope. Whatever I saw in him was clearly the fogging illusion of a girl who overthought, and in turn, became blind. She stopped noticing what really matterd, and she started compromising who she was to conform to that idea. Trust me, it won’t happen again.

2. Mister Hazelnut latte

Now that was a brain lapse. Seriously. I didn’t like him, I knew I didn’t like him. So why couldn’t I just politely say “no, but thank you” when he asked me out? Is it because he caught me so off guard? Is it because my brain had gone blank at that precise moment, and the only thing I could blurt out was “yes, maybe”? How deranged I must’ve looked when I told him a few days after that I really couldn’t do anything like that, but let’s be friends anyway. Again, I wish I could wipe this off my record. No matter what, I’m always going to have to live with the fact that I almost dated him, or at least, went on one date with him. Ugh, gross, cringe, shudder, die.

What was I thinking? Yes, he’s nice, and he’s successful, and he’s smart. But bloody hell he’s ten years my senior, appears to be having a receding hairline, and I used to call him Tim – the awkward loner-orphan who has a porn addiction and lives in a box. Screw all those “age doesn’t matter” comments. IT DOES MATTER. I don’t want to be with someone who can be my boyfriend and father at the same time. I don’t want to be with someone who was born in a different decade. I don’t want to be with someone who will make me feel like he’s a pervy pedophile. EW EW EW. He’s a grownup with all this experience. I’m a child. See why the idea is so repugnant? I wonder why my gag reflex didn’t work when he asked me out – it would’ve saved me all that grief. Common sense dictates that if a guy is not physically attractive to me, and the thought of being with him makes me feel like I just bathed in sewer water, it’s really not going to work.

The lesson? Interpret blankness to mean YOU DON’T LIKE HIM AND WILL NEVER LIKE HIM SO SAY NO THIS INSTANT. It doesn’t matter if he’s a really nice man. It doesn’t matter if you share the same likes/dislikes and can talk fairly easily. It doesn’t even matter that he knows how to dress himself and he was considered one of your favorite regulars for a time. If you’re feeling blank, just say no.

I think that’s one of my problems. I don’t know how to say no. My cognitive functions always collapse at that crucial moment, and my mouth will blurt out “okay”. Come 24 hours later, and my heart rate will be beating as fast as a rodent’s as I pace back and forth, frantically wondering what the hell did I let myself fall into. I swear I’m not masochistic. I’m just stupid. Don’t mistake it as me actually liking the guy and wanting to go out with him, or me being some kind of easy whore that would say yes to any offer. I do always end up saying no once my cerebral cortex has rebooted and my senses catch up to me. I just wish that process would happen a little faster.

If you want to be my friend

1. Put as much effort into this as I do.
2. Don’t take this for granted.
3. Be sincere or go home.
4. Never exclude.
5. Withhold judgments and assumptions.
6. Be here because you want to be. If you want to be, prove it by being present.
7. Loyalty and trust are key.
8. You don’t have to always agree with me – you just have to leave me be.
9. Laugh with me, not at me.
10. Accept me as I am.

I am not interested in carrying both our weights around. It’s either reciprocity or nothing. I refuse to feel unappreciated, excluded or forgotten. I don’t want to be told what people think I want to hear. I am not to be appeased out of feelings of guilt or obligation. I’m not an awful person – when in doubt, choose to believe that I’m better than that and let me explain. Even the smallest acts of betrayal and deceit will not be tolerated. We will have opposing views – let me have mine, and I will do likewise. Do not judge or criticize me for my shortcomings, I have enemies for that.

Let us laugh together often. Let us confide, share and trust. Love me well and I will gladly do the same. Love me poorly and I am gone. I know how to leave, and I don’t hesitate.