“I’m nobody to nobody”
My own mom has started to make her peace with the idea that I will never get married, have children, and basically live out the life that she expected for me. Bit by bit, people in my life are beginning to take me seriously when I say that I have no interest in relationships, in marriage, and in till death do we part. I thought that when this day finally came, I would be thrilled and relieved. The pressure would be off my shoulders because no one has any expectations for my future love life anymore, and I could truly be free to pursue my beloved goals that have less to do with the picket fence dream, and everything to do with having the world at my feet. As it turns out, I’m not feeling all that triumphant. You have to be some rare kind of breed for people to think that you’re never going to end up with someone. It’s making me question if there’s something wrong with me. I mean finding someone and building a life together… those things are supposed to be conventional, and they’re seen as given. Somehow I’ve made a beautiful case against it, and I’m only 21 years old. The thought that I’m already a lost case at this age is depressing. But I cannot complain. I asked for it – scratch that, I fought for it. I wanted to show how independent and ambitious I am, and how whole I am on my own. Well, mission accomplished.
It just goes to show that sometimes what you think you really want isn’t what you truly want in the end. And sometimes you really don’t have a clue, even though you’re good at persuading everyone, including yourself, that you do.
